Gold Digger?

It has been 4 days since I have spoken to Bryce. 4 days!!! I have been trying to keep with my Break Up Tip #1 and keep busy. Last night after work I went to the market and bought myself the cutest dress imported from India. I reserved another one I am going to go back and guy tomorrow :) May I mention I went to the market alone. It was weird - being alone I mean. I was so used to having Bryce with me everywhere I went before so this takes some getting used to. Does that made me a sad person? Anyways I am feeling so happy. After the market I went to talk to a guy that has offered me a great job opporunity this summer so we are going to go into a bit of a partnership together this summer plus I am going to keep the great job I have so it works out good. Later on went to my girlfriends and watched the trashy show that is 'A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila'.Complete garbage but slight amusing I guess... Anyways afterwards we went down and rented scooters so ride along the beach. It was an absolute blast. For anyone who has never been on a scooter I definitly recommend it. The 'scooter man' gave us lessons first then once we were feeling confident we were off to scoot around the city. We drove all over, honking our dorky horns at every pedestrain we saw (scaring a few haha). So yesterday was actually day 3 of not talking to Bryce but I was having so much fun I didn't feel the need to write about it. Today at work Bryce's lovely mother stopped by unexpectedly for a visit. We have a very close relationship (closer than with my own mother) so it was nice to see her. She relayed to be that Bryce is not doing well. I know this though right?!? I want him to happy but I must admit I don't want him to be too happy just yet. I'm not ready for that. So 4 days without talking to Bryce my subconcious must really miss him because TWICE today I accidentally dialed him number when I was meaning to call someone else! How embarassing!! I really hope he doesn't think I am trying to call him & hang up or something ughh. Anyways there is nothing I can really do about it. I just said " haha woops wrong number, bye". Still.... It sucks that I dialed him twice by accident but whatever. Anyways, last night I had a dream a dream that has stuck with me all day. I have a friend overseas that is a quite weathly arab journalist. He was editor of a huge newspaper, he has reported for CNN, BBC and other prestigious news groups. Although he is about 20 years my senior I always had a little minute crush on him. Anyways I had a dream last night that he was getting married and I was desperatly going around trying to make sure the wedding didn't happen. For some reason this dream has been stuck in my head all day. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. I have a small crush on a rich older man, does that make a gold digger?

Break Up Tip # 1

KEEP BUSY. So today marks day 2 of not talking to 'Bryce'. I am actually feeling OK about this because I know I am going to be ok and sucessfull. Bryce on the other hand is not doing to well and I know this for a fact. A few days ago he invited me over to watch a movie and so I made the 30 minute drive to my old 'home'. I opened the fridge to find all the old food and leftover dinners that I had made rotting away in the fridge. I went to get a drink and every beverage in the fridge has expired! I had a bouquet of flowers on the kitchen tables sitting in a vase when I left, the flowers were still there - completly dried out, the whole house needed to be dusted, there was no toilet paper, my plant was dying and obviously hadn't been watered since I left. So I decided to leave it that way. Allthough I admit I did water my plant and move it into the sunlight and I did dump out on expired soy beverage. So after seeing that state that he was living in it became obvious to be that he is not as OK as he claims to be. That makes me feel better. Anyways, today keeping with the theme of my breakup tip # 1 I kept busy. I went out for lunch with one of my best girlfriend, hung out at the beach and then did some shopping. It was lovely. The only thing that some what bothered me about today is when we were discussing her future wedding plans (She is engaged & getting married next year). I asked her how many people she had on her guest list, she replied 70 well minus 1 now!! BIIIIIIIIIIIITCH do I need to be reminded of that? Anyways I admit it was a mildly funny joke. So on to day 3 and the rest of my life. I have made a goal for myself for the next year. I have the looks & I might as well use them right?! As vain as that may sound. My goal is to get on a billboard within the next year. Who knows, as silly as that may sound that is my dream. We all have them but as we get older I think people tend to forget about them or atleast try to. I saw an inspirational man named Randy Pausch on Oprah a few weeks ago and as passe' as that may seem something he said really did stick with me. He was diagnosed with a terminal cancer and he gave a parting speech to some of his students and he re did the speech on Oprah. One of the things amongst many inspiring things he said was to follow your dreams. Now like most people I have heard this before but when i heard him talk about it I realized I needed to get back to my dreams as well. So as stupid sounding as it may be this is what I want and this is my goal for the next year. I had this thought once before when we were living in a foreign country and I was getting into some modeling and acting but Bryce decided to leave his job there so we left early and since then I haven't been doing much to get back into that industry. So with a hopefull heart I enter a new place in my mind.

Meet Blonde Belle

I am young, blonde, tall & slim. Generally that is considered to be some highly desirable traitsright?? Well what good does it get me, not a whole lot except stares from strangers & usually 1 or 2 compliments per day. This may sound conceided to most but I am just trying to figure this all out, Lately I have really started to think about what having good looks affects my life. I had seemed to have it all a smart, entrepreneur boyfriend, good looks, a high paying job but in now I'm starting to think that it was really just a facade. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years we will call him 'Bryce' and myself ,as of about a week ago decided to take a break. As most of you who have experienced a 'break' you know that this is not easy. We where living together, renovating a place to 'flip' but all was not well in lovers land. The way I see out relationship demise was that renovating this home in order to get money for our future together very well could have erased our future all together. It is never easy to spend 24/7 with anyone, your best friend, sister, boyfriend, husband, child anyone after a period of time every thing they do will get on your nerves some way or another. So after a long winter of renovating, hardly working our 'real jobs' and living with no tv, computer and no friends in this new town we began to crawl under each otehrs skin a bit. We started fighting over little things, nothing major, he would get mad at the fact that I wouldn't hop out of bed as soon as the alarm went off and I would get upset at the fact that he would hop out of bed as soon as the alarm went off. Looking back at it now I find it silly really that something like that could be enough to end a relationship but all those little annoyances can take their toll. We have broken up once before around Christmas for a month which was absolutly awful but I will save that story for another day. So Bryce and I kind of mutually decided to not be together, allthough I admit I was extremly upset I did agree that this was definitly not the type of relationship I wanted with the constant arguing we were doing lately. So I packed up my things and moved back to my parents. He helped me move, everything was friendly and we were both sad about it but the fighting we both new, had to stop. For teh next few days after our 'break' began I was completly lost. Everything I new, my house, my car (which we shared), my food, my every day to day life was gone. I no longer had my constant partner to make trips to the store with or enjoy a homemade evening dinner with. Allthough Bryce and I were still talking or seeing each other everyday there was no physical contact, so hand holding, no kisses the odd hug when we said goodbye but that was it. That hurt, I wanted nothing more than to hold him, feel his body, kiss his salty neck and tell him that I love him, but I couldn't as much as I wanted to. Something was holding me back. I knew that we couldn't rush back into anything so as mentioned we began to see each other or talk on the phone practically everyday and everything was going great. There was no more fighting, we were honestly enjoying each others company, we went out for brunch, laughed, talked, took sincere interest in each others interests. I didn't really know what was going on or what exactly I wanted but I do know that I love him and I don't want to throw away everything we have together and not be in each others lifes and I felt that he agreed although we didn't talk about or relationship problems when we were hanging out now, we just enjoyed each others company as I mentioned before. So here's where it gets kind of crazy for me. Last night after much personal debate I decided to go out to the club with my friends. I met them there and when I arrived they were already pretty drunk. I on the other hand was not at all but once I noticed the sign for $1 highballs let's just say I got the ball rolling on that right away. Once I had had enough to be able to ignore the drunken awkwardness of the people surrounded me I began to look around and maybe for the first time in years consider possibly looking at one of these bar guys and anything but background. After being in a relationship for so long I really haven't looked at any others guys. Maybe the odd time I will swoon over Prince William or Johnny Depp when I am reading the gossip sites or magazines but honestly that is it. I spotted a few good looking guys but what was I thinking, I am going to meet some great guy tonight and have some deep passionate relationship that will make me feel like my relationship with Bryce was nothing more than a steeping stone. I didn't think so but it didn't stop me from looking at trying to spot kind of man meat in the club. I looked around and found myself comparing every decent looking guy to Bryce. I saw a guy who from the back looked like he had a pretty good physique but then found myself saying yea well he is hot but he probably doesn't pay the guitar like Bryce, or if a guy hit on me I would find myself in the back of my head saying well he probably doesn't have the same great ambitions as Bryce. So after a few more highballs I of course made the notorious and dreaded drunken. I believe it said something like " I want 2 f**k U right now" Yikes what was I thinking, I didn't really want to have sloppy drunken sex with a sober Bryce. Would I really leave my friends and the club and drive drunk to go do this? Probably not but the devil on my shoulder did have a bit of an influence. After some time had passed and so had a few more drinks and no sign of a text back from Bryce I escaped the blaring bass of the dance floor and went to the allmost equally loud ladies room to call him. It was about 1:20 am and I knew he was at his parents house for the night sleeping but I did it anyways, why? I really don't know. Maybe because I was feeling lonely, like my other aerm wasn't there. I haven't been out in social setting without him in a very very long time. So I called - he answered I asked if he had got my text message and he said "no, what did it say?" So in my sexy drunken, woman's nightclub bathroom voice I silently yelled and the conversation continued something like this
Blonde Belle: "well I said I f**k you right now" (he used to be turned on when I talked dirty)
Bryce:" oh, no are you out with your friends right now?"
Blonde Belle:"yea I am at at a nightclub"
Bryce:"well we can't really ummmm"
Blonde Belle: "Bryce, Ok, just tell me you don't love me anymore"
Bryce:" I don't"
Blonde Belle:"What?"
Bryce:" I don't love you anymore"
Blonde Belle:" OK, you will never hear from me again, goodbye"
Et voila! How was that for a stupid drunken conversation?? I have spent the morning going over it again and again in my head and I still am. Maybe it was just because I had called him at such a late hour that he was so stand off-ish, maybe he just said that to get me off the phone so he could go back to bed but the worst maybe of all is maybe he really meant it? How could he? After 2 and a half years of being together and 1 week of taking a break he suddenly does not have one ounce of love for me??? I feel humilated, hurt, confused and lost not to mentioned hung over today... but atleast I know once of those feelings with go away by the time I close my eyes tonight. I wore my new flowing brown dress to work today and a woman who works with me complimented how nice I look and I replied "It's just the wonders of makeup". Another person complimented me on my necklace, another on my dress and so what? Why does that matter. I am so sad and feeling pretty much miserable and that is what people comment on. Someday this will all fade and then what will I be? A miserable old woman who true ugliness comes through. So now here I sit, at work one of my only saving graces and escapes right now. Being at work is one of the only things that I feel hasn't completly changed since we broke up.My car is different, my home is different, my daily life is different but my job is still here, just the way I left it and I like that. The funny things isI feel kind of glad now, like I have a reason to be mad at him because our breakup was so peacefull, now I am angry at him for saying that after 2 and a half years he no long loves me. So I am sticking to my guns, not seeing or calling him. I still feel so lost and I am trying to figure out how I am going to put my lifes plans together. To make matters worse right now I saw on of my bestfriends boyfriends last night at the club(which I know they have been having a bit of trouble in their relationship lately) and I said something to him about how I think they are very different people. I know it's not that bad what I said and I did mention how much she loves him and how sometimes opposites attract but he badgered me all night to find out what else I had to say about their relationship and I just feel not so good about the whole situation. Like most women I want to settle down someday, get married, have cute babies and live a happy love filled life. I am 22 I don't exactly want that anytime soon but in 4 or 5 years I will probably be ready for that (I hope). For now I have to deal with my present situation. I know how Bryce is and once I don't want him he wants me, who knows if that is what's going to happen this time because those are some pretty strong words he said to me. I felt like he was my life and that was probably one of the reasons we broke up, I lost my own life. Now I am trying to focus on myself and I think that is all I really can do. Part of me feels like all I have going for me is what I look like, maybe that's pathetic, maybe I am pathetic? So here in my own secret diary I will keep track of my love life and find out what I have that is important, worth while and lasting. Is Bryce my Aidan or my Big? Will we not be able to recover from a break up or are we destined to break up and then makeup again and again?? To quote Yael Naim " I'm a new soul in this strange world"